I’m sorry for not posting on here in absolutely ages -my last blog attempt was before Christmas and then it was basically only one sentence about my other failed blog attempt, littlegodgizmo.

I guess I should explain why I haven’t been blogging, not that anyone will really be checking this anymore anyway. I’d be pretty surprised if you were…

Um, well basically, this final year of university has been a bit too much pressure for me. Not so much the workload, although I am well behind on all my projects which are due in on the 5th of May *yelp*. (N.B prayers that I will knuckle down and get those done would be very much appreciated btw). Nah, what’s sort of screwed things up in general is a load of emotional stuff, not going to go into massive amounts of detail, some of it’s really, really, really personal that I haven’t told anyone (only God knows and even then I’ve been avoiding speaking to Him about them) and also some of the issues are pretty obvious if you’re friends with me and know the stuff that’s happened since Christmas basically…

Well I guess, even though I don’t want to tell you the emotional stuff, except that I’ve made a few BIG mistakes really and had a few internal, ‘family’ matters to deal with, I shouldn’t hide the fact that things between me and God just ain’t good basically (N.B. Prayers regarding this, also MUCH appreciated). I’m not blaming anyone or anything for my fall away, it just sort of happened and I was too scared to admit it was happening and instead of facing up and trying to fight for it I did the flight thing and ran away from my problems. In hindsight it made things worse and some people have been hurt because of my actions and for that I really, truly am sorry, and I hope someday those people will forgive me.

Well I think I’ve been to Grace Church once since Christmas, maybe twice I’m not quite sure, but I’ve definitely missed more weeks these past 2 uni semesters than I have attended. I’m still in contact with a few people from church and for that I am grateful, that they still care about me and love me even though I am in this messed up state (and you people know who you are if you’re reading). I also avoided Millbridge when I was home over Easter, I did intend to go but somehow just managed to talk myself into staying in with the family, none of whom are major church-goers and like nobody really questioned me. I’ve also not been to CU in months and months and months, and although obviously again some of them still contact me via Facebook etc and check to see if I’m OK I don’t really see any of them. They are having a CU girls sleepover at some point next month and I’ve joined the facebook group and said I will maybe come but I think if things don’t improve with me faith wise, i will probably come up with some excuse and give it a miss.

I keep running into people from Stafford CU aswell because I’ve spent a few days hanging out at the uni up there recently, doing work in their library, and we’ve spoken a few times or waved, and a couple of them have expressed concern for me aswell but I just put on a false front and shrug off any well-meaning queries about my wellfare.

Seeing as I don’t think anyone reads this anymore and I kind of felt like a rant and just needed to let it out in some form but can’t speak to anyone in person I just wanted to tell someone, even if it was just an empty blog roll, that no actually, i’m not OK, at least not God-wise and I haven’t been for a very long time, I’m just very good at hiding these things. And do I think I am going to be able to turn it around? In all honesty I do not know right now, I don’t want to give up on God but all my prayer seem half-hearted and worthless right now, and I don’t try every day either, in fact it’s barely every week I try and talk to Him right now.

I’m spending lots of time on my x-box in my room just hiding away from the world or running off to hang out with various fencing people atm, and only 1-2 of the fencing people are Christian and those are the ones i probably see less often. I don’t want to avoid my christian friends but I’m just too busy running right now to come back to you, so I guess in some way this pathetic blog attempt is me trying to cry out to get you to come running back to me…

I have had quite a few conversations with the people I’ve been hanging out with recently, about my faith as a Christian, and I’ve found that all the situations where it’s been opened up for debate, all the wonderful opportunities I have had to evangelise and bring them back to Him today, I’ve sort of been unable to get into, i’ve made some half-hearted arguements about why I believe and how it used to make me feel, my faith, but that’s when I have to stop, because I don’t feel like that anymore, I’ve fallen quite far, I’ve messed up quite alot, and even though I should be aware of this, and people keep repeating it to me over and over and over again, i really struggle to believe that God could love me after everything I’ve done – I certainly don’t love myself.

So yea, that’s what’s happened to me basically, that’s why there have been no posts on either of the blogs for months and months, and I hope no-one is reading this now coz i will be really embarassed if they are, but it needs to be let out somehow, praying isn’t working, i can’t tell people face-to-face, so blogging to them seems like the only option.

anyway bye.

www.littlegodgizmo.wordpress.com

I just thought it was kind of freaky that me and M were hanging out on Tuesday night and we got into a big conversation about grief etc because I lent him C.S. Lewis’s book ‘on grief’ and we were talking about how we’d cope when another close person in our lives died because I’ve been struggling a lot lately with how confused my grandparents are getting – and in fact when i was at home this past weekend my grandmother didn’t recognise me which was really painful for me. what spooked me though was that when i got home the word for today for that day (tuesday 1st december) was all about recovering from loss!!!

and seeing as i already know it’s something other people are currently thinking about i thought i’d post the stuff it said on here.

1) process your grief – emotions like fear, anger, worry, depression, resentment, helplessness, and grief are normal. it;s no good to supress them or deny they exist (believe me i’ve learnt this the hard way). God created us to feel: He doesn’t expect us to act happy when we’re grieving (and yet as christians we try to hide when we are upset because we don’t think its right to appear depressed/upset if we have faith in God).

However it says in the Bible “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NIV). Be honest with God. “Pour out your hart before Him” (Psalm 62:8 NIV) and He will comfort you.

2) Accept help – it’s a mistake to isolate yourself in the aftermath of a tragedy (again it’s taken me a long time to learn this too but i’m finally getting there now). We all need the encouragement and the support of others. We’re called to carry one another’s burdens. “Bear one anothers burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NKJV)

3) Choose the right responce. When you choose bitterness, you hurt yourself and shut the door on happiness because you can’t be happy and bitter at the same time (again something i’ve been realising a lot lately and not wanting to let go of the grief surrounding my dad’s death because it had become an integral part of me). You can choose to believe that you’re on your own, or that God’s with you and bounce back.

4) Know your joy comes from God. There’s no correlation between your circumstances and your joy. Joy comes from within; it’s based on whom you trust not what you see and feel.

5)Concentratre on what you have left, not on what you’ve lost. Make a list of good things in your life, and thank God for what you still have. It’s impossible to be grateful and hopeless at the same time!

I’m going home for the weekend so some of my blog reader friends in Somerset will hopefully see me around over the next few days so we can have a catch-up. I’m going to be in Taunton at 17:45 and Mum is meeting me at the station and then going to be sticking around till either M0nday night or Tuesday morning depending on how I feel.

Although nothing majorly bad has happened I have been having a bit of a rough time of it lately – just stress and the pressures of uni etc so basically I’m really glad I’m getting yet another weekend to break out and go off for a bit because I need to sort some xmas stuff out with my Mum and also just cut myself off from the internet for a bit so I’m not taking my laptop with me and won’t be blogging for a while.

I’ve not drifted away from God but the battle with the paranoia has resurfaced and I’m finding it harder to turn to Him and say I only care about you so I am not going to let this affect me – that is something I need to go away and work on I feel because I keep needing to grow in my spiritual maturity and right now I feel like I’m maybe taking 1 step forward but 2 steps back…

Anyway I hope all of you have a good weekend and I will promise to blog about what I’ve been doing this weekend when I get home. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone at Millbridge so that should be great Love you all x

Right basically I don’t think  many of us haven’t heard of the Great Houdini so I won’t go into an explanation of him but basically one of his claims was that he could be locked into any jail cell in the country and free himself within minutes. He did this in every city he visited except one. That day, something went wrong – He entered the cell as usual and as the heavy metal doors clanged shut behind him he removed from his belt his concealed piece of strong but flexible metal and set to work on the lock…but no success. Soon he had been working for 30 minutes and getting nowhere. He knew this was taking much longer than it should have and so he began to get ‘stressed out’ but still he couldn’t pick this lock.

Finally, after about 2 hours of working at at and feeling like a total failure, he leaned against the door in defeat and to his utter amazement it swung open. The door had never actually been locked in the first place!

How many times have you been trying and trying to do something that’s impossible and failing simply because you’ve thrown the word ‘impossible’ in there and now just think it is? when you focus your faith on it, strike the words ‘impossible’ and ‘can’t’ out of your vocabulary, and then suddenly with God’s help, the impossible becomes perfectly ‘do-able’!

When God called Gideon, he replied, ‘I don’t have the right connections’. When He called Moses, he replied, ‘I’m not a gifted speaker.’ When He called Jeremiah, he replied, ‘I’m too young’. To each, God said, ‘…I will strenghten you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand’ (Isaiah 41:10 NIV). Today He is saying exactly the same thing to you! “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’ Philippians 4:13 NKJV

The Bible teaches us that as long as we are still on this earth we must continue to grow – Reading the word allows us to transcend any sitation and explore new worlds. Knowledge keeps your  mind sharp and your soul free. Peter says: “Grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord…” (2 Peter 3:18).

Even on the cross, with nails piercing His hands and His feet, Jesus continued to minister – and He should be our example! Never get out of the game, for even in the last few seconds a goal is still possible – remember the other criminal who was crucified next to Jesus who turned to Him at the end and who is now with Jesus in Heaven.

When we pray to the Lord we have to know what we are saying and we have to mean what we say. If we say it but there is no feeling behind it then the words are just words and they have no power anymore. Words are meant to have meaning but today a lot of them have lost it – straightforward speech has just lost cohension today. My sister B is always coming up with new words for meaning things and I have absolutely no idea what she means – her favourite one atm is ‘ooge’ and she will use it in every context imaginable and it begins to stand for a myriad different things! In other words the original meaning of it (if it even had one!) has been totally lost! For a better example, take a look at the word ‘gay’ – that used to be used to describe someone who was happy but now it’s rather a derogatory term for someone who is homosexual.

We need to start meaning what we say again (and yes i’ve been stealing stuff yet again from UCB) because we avoid saying yes when we mean it and no when we don’t and it damages our relationships. Also when we say stuff and mean it we need to stick with it otherwise we will lose all respect and our words will lose their power.

so say what you mean guys and mean what you say. Amen x

Martin has set up a face-book group for this anyway but if any of my friends who are reading this who aren’t on facebook and I haven’t told yet on the 6th of December at 5:30pm me, Martin and Jason are all taking the plunge together and getting baptised.

I had an interesting talk with my Mum when I rang her to tell her about this because she said well you already have been and I was like no you christened me when I was little but there is a difference because back then I didn’t have a choice – now I’m actively choosing to give my life to God and make that outward show that my heart now belongs to him.

It just made me wonder if any of the people who are reading this – of which there aren’t that many of you anymore :’( – had any questions about it – i.e. the differences and how to go about getting baptised if you are ready to make that step etc because if you want more about i will post more information about it and set up a BAPTISM page.

comments please

I’ve been reading my overcoming series book again and i’ve been called up on the amazing things that Jesus did for us and yet stupid me get’s concerned about a tiny little whisper which is probably even a product of my messed-up little brain. Jesus is faithful, even when we are not and weirdly there is no greater opportunity to grow in love than when you’ve been mistreated. Look at Jesus on the Cross: He asked His Father to forgive those who ripped the flesh from His back and drove the nails into His hands and he spent his last night on earth with someone who He knew would be betraying Him the next day.

How we handle rejection reveals whether we have truly died to self; for it’s impossible to hurt a dead man! I finally realised I was still trapped in my old ways a few weeks ago and feel like I’ve made massive steps towards dying to it but I’d be a liar if I said that I haven’t had a few spikes of paranoia return in the past few days (but not let them affect me in the way I ordinarly would – I’ve already sought Jesus out about them and told Him to help me keep going so that I can mature spiritually).

In the Old T a priest was disqualified from ministry if he had ‘scabs’ (unhealed wounds) [Leviticus 21:20]. The reason why was because it meant no-one could get close to him, in case they brushed up against the sore spot. It showed up in the things he said and kept him from functioning the way God wanted him to. I’m not saying if you’ve got a cut or a graze that means you’re not a Christian anymore! I’m just saying if you have an unhealed wound we tend to work out of those unhealed areas and focus on our own struggles.

God’s solution however is this: “I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds’ saith the Lord…’ Jeremiah 30:17. And remember he means both internal and external wounds here – so not just the ones on the outside which other people can see. God wants to heal you, so that through you, He can reach out and make others whole. Let Him do that for you today.

He’s also not impressed with our good works (although at the same time don’t stop doing them!) in God’s eyes “…our best efforts are grease-stained rags” (Isaiah 64:6 TM). Another thing that puts it into perspective is Proverbs 16:9 – “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps”

God just doesn’t work the way we want him to. It’s totally obvious but still in loads of different circumstances within our lives we insist on worrying about events, making meticulous plans and thinking we have it all sussed – but God’s plan could be totally different.

God holds all things in his hands and he is able to give us all the things of the universe – but he is also able to deny us all the things we think we want in order to provide us with the things He knows we need.

We need to remember that His love for us remains unchanging and His plans are always for (to quote ‘Hot Fuzz’) for “the greater good”.

God’s primary concern is not to see us pass uni, get a job and be the most popular people in the world – he wants us to see Him and Know Him and become more like Christ day by day. He is providing us with all we need to achieve that even if it means putting us through a hard time where there will be thinks that we think we lack!

True security cannot be found in material possessions but in learning to trust our Lord, the only One who is perfect, infinite and unchanging.